I don’t know where to go from here.
I’ve been through the tumultuous years of adolescent apathy,
somehow whilst having gotten used to grudgingly continue under the weight of expectation and standards,
alienated with my own culture because the sense of belonging doesn’t seem to resonate strongly enough to break the chains of my own ignorance.
see, i wasted countless nights and days contemplating my own place within the vastness,
of this universe, these planets, these stars
that surround me.
trying, desperately, to make sense of it.
trying to find my own way through the litany of excess that has saturated every crevice of life.
“it doesn’t mean anything, it never did, it never will.”
it’s so easy to give yourself to resignation,
to succumb to the weight of what you see when you look up, forward, beyond
yet failed to acknowledge the most important perspective
– my own.
it’s easy to lose yourself in this peculiar existence, trying to make it all understandable, convenient to your own circumstances,
yet i couldn’t be further from the truth,
from what i needed.
for is it not because my own existence that i am able to experience these repetitive existential crises?
learn that your own spirit is the anchor,
it will keep you grounded and strong,
if you think to use it.
you give yourself the world when you realise you are as a part of it as the dew that drapes over the grass on a crisp, spring morning.
you give yourself the world when you understand that the energy of the crashing waves fuels your spirit, deep within your being.
you give yourself the world when you slip away from externalities,
these standards and expectations that fly around, darkening your path.
its not meant to be easy, its not meant to be simple but it is meant to be.
to exist, in this exact moment.
blink, and you’re 40 years old reevaluating every part of your life, holding it to the standards and expectations that have been shoved down your throat since before you were even conscious.
frailty, inferiority, worthlessness – come, again, sweet friends, with your cold embrace.
to that, i refuse.
i refuse to let myself be dictated by temporary demons,
for i am all too familiar with how they wash over my being and latch on to my soul.
i have lived too long in the dark.
i am the master of my potential,
i am the keeper of my soul,
and no longer will demons take my stead.
i stand, alone, but in tune.
consciously aware, emotionally free; i am me.
where to go from here?