restlessness

not quite here nor there

in limbo between inspiration and disillusion

whilst trying to know who I am.

what I am, what I stand for, what I believe in.

though none of this interests me.

i want to explore the horizon.

to go to foreign lands, experience difference, cultures, diversity.

let the alien streams of inspiration sweep through my psyche and baptise me.

for their impact is not without consequence; the very same result i yearn to feel.

how can one expect to be fulfilled when his surroundings never change.

it seems folly to me to want to broaden understanding and personality yet never venture to see what lies beyond.

resign yourself to rules and dogma, embedded within a principle of subordination and expectance of reward for morality?

a concept as human as war.

this perennial battle between good and evil, with forces of unknown proportion and divine nature at work; trying to guide chaos to fit some over-arching plan.

without bad there is no good, but to have created evil means benevolence is not a significant factor. why provide temptation if we are already flawed from sin?

but, of course, there is forgiveness. simply repent and bathe yourself of past transgression and step into the light of divinity.

no moral cost is paid aside from an adoption of guilt.

which is as powerful a motivation as fear.

there’s nothing wrong with being spiritually inclined to adhere to institutionalised codes of morality but then to claim a monopoly on the concept of deity?

it’s contradictory, to say the least. It operates within its own rules and interpretations. Rigid and controlled. 

Like my mind, wracked with doubts and second-guesses.

I’ve gotten so used to it though that it doesn’t phase me so much.

But it’s maybe this detachment that’s alienating – coasting through the monotony of the human experience leaves too much for your imagination to fill in.

An overworked imagination in itself is a choppy sea, it’s energy too much for its own good. For your own good.

Rock-solid sense of self is the end goal but you need to get there first.

Restless because I’m not where I wanna be but I know where I want to be; “Happiness is the difference between your expectations of a good life and your reality”.

Makes sense.

H.B.A.

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